WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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