Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
