I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
