My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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