Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
