My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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