In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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