Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
