i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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