I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
