she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
