I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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