It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
