I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo