Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé