How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.