dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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