I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
