I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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