Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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