He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
