God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
