You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
