me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize