i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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