can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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