I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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