Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
