I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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