Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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