Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
