I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
