He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
