I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
too bad you live with your parents still
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
