my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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