So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
