i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
