i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
