we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
