I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
