are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
