Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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