she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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