you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
