dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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