I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
