it's too hot outside to masturbate.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
