guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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