Got a toothbrush?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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