I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
