I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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