i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
