I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
