I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
