he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
