just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
