my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
