1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
