I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
