You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
