There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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