I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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