there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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