I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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